My Press and Sun article in response to the shooting in Binghamton

http://www.pressconnects.com/article/20090408/VIEWPOINTS02/904080309/1120

I'm not sure what more to add to that, as far as my life with ESL.

I think it is going to take a long time for anyone to get through this. The response from the Binghamton community and beyond was touching. However, I think it is naive to expect that a week or two of kind and thoughtful gestures will wrap this event up in a neat and dealt-with package. There are many phases of grief to enter and re-enter, and not the least of them is anger.

I challenge us all to accept the long and winding path that grief takes us down. Anger is a healthy and normal feeling that should be allowed to manifest itself. It needs to be allowed, to be given permission to "be". Facing and naming whatever image/form anger takes is a necessary process of healing. And sometimes anger doesn't go away, and sometimes it isn't pretty--and that isn't always a bad thing.

The goal of healing is not necessarily to eradicate anger, but to learn to live and move on with all the feelings a particular person or event inspires. The opposite of anger is not happiness. Just like the opposite of love is not hate. To feel anger and hate is TO FEEL. Feelings can co-exist, and can vary in intensity. Anger does not trump or negate other feelings--you can feel anger and still feel happy, sad, silly, etc.etc.etc.

The opposite of anger and hatred is NOT FEELING AT ALL--and that, unfortunately, is what many people mis-understand. Not allowing any feelings might temporarily be helpful when the initial shock of a horrible event occurs. However, ongoing suppression and denial of feeling can be extremely damaging. Addictions, to drugs and alcohol (or anything) are often a behavior some people choose that "helps" create un-feeling when they are struggling to deal with difficult feelings and beliefs. Suicide is a very damaging and (obviously) permanent "solution" to creating un-feeling.

Learning a healthy process for grieving isn't something most of us have been brought up with. Many of us were taught that anger was "bad", or should only be allowed a finite presence in our lives. Many boys/men are raised into unfeeling based on our cultural value for men to be emotionally "strong". Women are culturally "allowed" more flexibility with our emotions, but other bad habits from our culture and upbringing have affected our response to grief. Women have been "expected" to be compliant, calm, reasonable, gracious, forgiving.... and not all women have worked through the balancing dynamics that could be more healthy! (isn't that an understatement?!)

It also isn't fair to suggest that there is one healthy way to grieve. I stumbled around with a therapist once who tried to convince me I was doing it all wrong. When I finally was able to say to her I had to do things my way, I realized that grief processes are as numerous as people are unique. My favorite book about grieving is called Swallowed by a Snake, the gift of the masculine side of healing by Thomas R. Golden. Some of it was a little "out there", but if you give yourself permission, there are some really claimable parts. I HIGHLY recommend reading it!!!!

http://www.webhealing.com/index.html this is the author's website... and ladies, don't be put aside by the "masculine" claim--this is simply an active way to face grief--some people like to sit and talktalktalk through things, this is a different option--very action/ritual/step/plan oriented.

I think that is enough for now....

Love you all,

Allison